longing.

i am longing to dip my toes into a lake of the past. not my own past; but a past i have never known. a past consisting of golden light through old willow limbs, of hanging laundry, of tilling earth and of storing the harvest. a past of small white churches with bells that still ring out, of hard wooden pews and songs of glory sung.

things i long for the most in this Past are the light and the fields.

how odd; since these are the things which stand quite outside of past or present. none the less, i see the light as pouring forth in golden splendor, lighting the earth with a blazing intensity... and golden fields which stretch out, connecting the bottom of one green hill to the other.

i long to sit there, on the edge of a hill, by the willow, overlooking the field lit with fullest light... to watch the breeze bow low the heads of the wheat... beginning at one end of the field... and a quiet shush as it passes to the other end.

so then i ask what it is i think i want from this space? what is this longing made of?

pause.

glory. purity. holiness. quiet. peace.

what has He made? let me look only at that for a time, and nothing else.

i've sat out on the swing these beautiful mornings and read and written of him and to him. but each morning, and even through the days, i've heard him say "put that down... look out here..." and he points to the lines of the limbs of the mimosa tree through which i see the rolling curves of south mountain rise and fall. golden at the grassy base, then all different greens and blacks show me the curves of the woodland floor. the blue sky grows infinitely bluer as i follow it upward... and i see the moon, hiding with the thin clouds, leftover from the night before.

and he says "look at me... love me... please pause your reading and writing and moving... just look at me, and love me".

everything in me wants to do this.

so i long to step to another time and space so i could be free from things we've made.

things i've made.

things to be done.

but there is some holiness in those things too, i know.

but for today?

i shall only look.

and love.